Addiction

Hey All!

This blog is becoming an addiction. Something I feel I need to do. Like shooting up, having that cigarette. I feel sad when I have finished typing.

I am addicted to many things. Some more dangerous than others. Some addictions I have overcome. Others I still fight with. . I used to be addicted to Marilyn Manson. This may sound like a stupid addiction, but it's not. I really was. I am not any more. Much to the pleasure or Arran my God Mother. She doesn't like him. Sorry Mazza.

Another addiction I have struggled with is Self Harm. The addiction of getting rid of emotional pain with physical pain. What does it achieve you may ask? Well, for me, it stopped the heartache. Stopped the feelings of desertion. For a while at least. You can never truly rid emotional pain, not completely. But you can  try. And that is what self harm was for me. A delay, something to distract me. It worked. It still does. Sometimes.
Don't get me wrong. Self harm is not good. Like any addiction, it is something to be avoided. I am not proud of my self harm. The scars never heal. I am sharing this to dissuade you, To show you honestly what it does to you. Why I did. Why I say to anyone. Never self harm. Never.

I could say to you I am addicted to Chocolate, Cookies maybe even FFX. All things that in small amounts are good. But huge quantity are inadvisable. (Apart from FFX, that's an awesome game) But these aren't true addictions. Take me away from them and I won't go insane with need for them. I may mourn for them. long for them. But I won't go rabid for them.

Well, that's all for today,
See ya soon



www.bubblemad.com

Contemplation

Hey All

Am in a bit of a blogging mood today! Partly as an outlet to my emotions. Partly as something to do. I am currently sat at my computer, Troy is playing on my PS2 and I am talking to PezMeister via MSN. A smile is creeping round my mouth, death does that to me. One of the main ( and rather attractive ) characters have died. Fun stuff.

I have been really contemplative recently. Wondering the fate of those who cross my path. Wondering if I will ever find true love. Wondering why? Why the stars are in their patterns, why blood is red. Why am I who I am? What makes me, well, me. I have a quote from Hamlet to Ophelia in my head "Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt thou the sun doth moon. Doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt." This means allot to me. It is a lyric in 'Opheliac' a song by Emilie Autumn. One of my favourite songs. It is written all over my room. An Iconic quote. Telling me not to doubt. If only life was as simple.  Whilst righting this I have come to the conclusion that life is full of mystery. Full of questions that stay unanswered. And try as we might, we cannot answer them. They will stay in our minds, haunting our thoughts in the darkest hours of the night. Fleeting glimpses of what life could be like, if only we could answer them. Answer the impossible questions.

Well, that's all really, something to think about, a conversation starter.

Ttyl



www.bubblemad.com

A week of Weirdness

Hey All!

This has been yet another interesting week. I haven’t seen PezMeister since last Friday. I still miss him so much. He meant everything to me, and now there is an emptyeness which I find unable to fill. He was more than a boyfriend to me. He was my other half. Litteraly. I could tell him anything. I never felt siy sharing just the littlest thing with him. Yet now, there is this barrier between us. His brick wall that is stopping me reaching him the way I used to. No matter how hard I push, the wall never falters. It never breaks. Never crumbles. In my dreams he is always present. The most recent of which hurt the most.

We were walking down a path me and my ex ( TheJoker) used to walk down. We stopped part way down and he told me he no longer loved me. At this  point I realise we are holing hands and he lets go. He turns around and walks away from me. As I watch him TheJoker appears and he kisses me. The walks away too. 

Any of you who know me will know how much I truly hate TheJoker. How he prayed on me when I was vulnerable and can’t handle my strenght. How he hurt me. How he destroyed me. So why was he in my dream. To feed upon the hurt I feel away from PezMeister?

I don’t know.

That’s all for now.

www.bubblemad.com

Oh dear!

Hey All!

Well, what a week. I have had the fortune of being dumped! Lovely. I am, as you may imadgen, Devistated. I really loved him. And up untill the day before he broke up with me, I truly beleived he loved me too.  And it's all to easy to say, "Who cares?" or "Ya know, we're still mates and all" But the truth is, everytime I see him I want to hug him, cry on his shoulder, kiss him. And I can't. And yeah, we are still mates, we still hang out together, I still plat his hair. But that dosen't stop the pain. In fact it intensifyes it.

I can just about cope being around him, untill he looks at me in the eye, or he plays Final Fantasy on his guitar, or he smiles.  I think I really was in love, not just the usual teenage infatuation. I think I still am. Even though there is now that barrier of not kissing him, not holding him. I still want to spend my every moment with him. What is wrong with me?

His reasons for breakig up were as follows -

I am too clingy
I am too young

I am 2 years younger than him.
I did have a day where I was clingy, that's depression for you. I'm not saying his reasons are wrong, this was his deision. I just wish with all I have that he could maybe oneday reconsider. That to me would be sinking back into the dram come true he is to me.

Anyways, sorry for the rather depressing post today.
Talk soon xx

P.S I still love you PezMeister

http://www.bubblemad.com/

Re Emerging

Hey All

Haven't posted for quite a while. Been... Somewhat busy.

Alot has been going on, My social life has been blossoming, and I am slowly re-emerging myself into the lice ridden education complex of this country. Recently I have been staying with my GodParents, Padra and Arran, what a week! I tell you, we went to the National Media Museum, we went to the Viking things in York, we even went to have tea in Betty's. WOW.

Although, I have really missed my boyfriend PezMeister. I love him loads and being away from him was hard. I saw him yesterday, but he seemed really unresponsive, as if I was just annoying him. I really hope I wasn't. I am hoping to see him on thursday, but knowing him, we'll end up at General Foo Foo's. Don't get me wrong, General Foo Foo is a really good mate, but I just want to be with PezMeister. Just me and him. Am I being over sensitive?

As you may have noted by now, I get paranoid. Anything, and everything causes fresh doubts to pop into my head. That then nag at me. Over and over.

Enjoy life everyone

GothicSocks xx

The Fourth Comming

Hey All!

As valentines day approaches I am beginnig to think about romance. Uh Oh! Don't get me wrong, I like romance and all... I just let my mind wander a little too much. I have the most wonderfull boyfrined at the moment. PezMeister.* I was thinking of being realy sweet and making him a Slash ragdoll ( He loves Guns N' Roses) but after the hastle it has been to make just the body and the legs... I am beginning to think it was a bad idea. I can sew. Just not well. And Slash is not an easy thing to make. Maybe I'll just draw him a picture or something.

Enough about romance... Back to my favorite game at the moment. Final Fantasy! At the moment I am  fighting a fire thing. A thunder thing and a lizard thing. I am, as PezMeister puts it "Training like a MoFo". To try and beat a boss. Not easy Lol. Oh well. What fun would a game be without a challenge? None what so ever. At the moment ( for those who know the charicters ) My battle line up is Tidus, Lulu and Auron. I like to think they make a good team. And so far I have been doing well... Maybe though it's time to let the other charicters join in. Poor Wakka, Yuna, Kimarhi. The only downfall of thins lineup so far is that Lulu has just over 500 HP, which compared to Auron and Tidus, it's measly. She dies to quickly. Although, at the moment she is the only chariter that can use black magic.

Anyway, thats all for today. Byesy bye.

*I don't use real names.

School, music and just a little more.

Hey all!

Here goes my third post. Today has been a random day. I have been to school. Fun. Not. I have been to my boyfriends and played Dead or Alive4  :-). Epic game. Was really good. One of the charicters ( please bear in mind I have never played this game [or any of the DoA games] before so have no idea of the charicter names) who has white hair was a drunk. He was a legend. Although I do think I KOed in every round. If that is the right phrasing or terminoligy.

In other news. I failed at they gym. Trying to lift weights 3 times what I am used to. Was not easy. It was actually rather hard. I managed it though. My arms burned for nearly an hour later. :-S. I did manage to do 20 mins on the strider and a good 5/10 mins on the rowing machine. There is this amazing game on there where you eat fish. Masochistic and sadistic as I am. I played untill I burned all over. But I killed LOADS of fish so life is good.

Today has also been a day of music. Currently on my 'Top 10 Most Listened' playlist is -
1} Opheliac - Emilie Autumn
2) I know where you sleep - Emilie Autumn
3) I love you - HIM
4) Run - Snow Patrol
5) The Olde Headboard - Rasputina
6) Bulimiarexia - Eths
7) Killing Lonliness - HIM
8) Your Call - Seconhand Scerenade
9) Will You  - Hazel O'Connor
10) dark Light - HIM
As you can see, a wide range of different music, and I love all the songs. In my free time I am a singer, so alot of theese songs I like to sing when I can. I am part of AMP, the local music Project, and I sing on the songs 'Will You' and 'Run'* I love singing. I myself would say I'm not a great singer, but my best mates and my Boyfrined would say I am ok. I'll take their word for it. I think I suck.

Anyways people, FFX calls.
See you soon
GothicSocks xx


*Sometimes. Depending on who else is present said night.